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21st of June, 2005 | 1:17 a.m.

So, I fashioned me a little projector out of a tripod, my computer chair and some other junk. I should be on Blue Peter. Actually, no. Forget the BBC, I want Neil Buchanan's job. Art Attack is where it's at, except without all that PVA glue nonsense. What child has PVA glue? The programme just encouraged children to steal from school, which is the only place PVA glue is to be found. I also reckon Neil never had to clean up the mess of his big art attacks. That's probably why he always looked so smug. Smug Neil. I like Neil. What a happy chap.

Capital One keep sending me pens and fake credit cards which say "This is not a credit card" on them. First they want to make me think "Ooh, I have a credit card", then subject me to the utter disappointment that is, um, not having a pretty credit card with a picture of a tiger on it. Look! There is a handy pen with which I can fill in the application form. I don't even have the excuse of not having a pen handy. They even give me a nice little envelope with the postage already paid for me. It's just too bad that I'm too lazy to walk to the post box. Maybe they'll read this and arrange to have someone pick it up for me.

I'll make a big art attack out of all the pens whilst I wait.