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15th of January, 2022 | 4:48 p.m.

Thinking about Rachael, and about how distant I've been this past year with pretty much everyone. Maybe not even just this year. The last couple at least.

I can trace it back to someone I never even spoke about in my private places. So unlike me. But very much like me is that it's not even about a person, really, but the ideas I pour into the them-shaped vessel in my mind.

I don't really talk about anyone anymore and I thought that was some kind of growth, but it doesn't feel like it. The idea of "growth" seems so silly and unrelated to anything like how things actually work, the more I think of it. The more I "grow" in accordance with how it's generally perceived by the world I feel rather flattened instead. That's not to say I want to keep hold of damaging patterns just... something intangible. I see the concept but I can't translate it.

I need to practice Russian more. And German.

I got an iPad for Christmas from boy face which I've been using to make animations and drawings of my fat dog. I never thought I'd get into digital art but here I am. Being able to draw on the actual screen helps. Feels somewhat organic.

I'm listening to old Tori Amos and it brings good things. My mind feels clear.